Choose LIFE

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
‭‭Psalm ‭139:15-16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

At the moment of conception, a new LIFE has begun.

I had the privilege of carrying a life for 39 weeks and am now raising her out of he womb. That girl's personality started from DAY ONE. I prayed for her. I prayed so hard. The Lord was molding her and knew even in the utter seclusion of my womb who she was going to be. I know that her life began from day one because of faith. If you're skeptical about that fact, I also knew she was a LIFE because I SAW her HEARTBEAT (hers, not mine) at six weeks. She was the size of a grain of rice, and the flutter was perfectly clear. How can something not be alive if there is a heartbeat? It makes NO SENSE TO ME how someone believes otherwise?!

There are so.many.women. who long to carry a life. It is saddening to hear about people that kill innocent babies for their own convenience when there are women who would give up everything they have to carry a child. There are also women who are told during gestation that their child has a defect, and the doctors recommend abortion. I can't even imagine what this news would do. I'm so thankful for the few women I do know that have received this news, but have chosen to carry their child regardless. What a testimony!

I'm sure that there are many reasons that I don't understand as to why someone would follow through with an abortion. I'm so thankful to serve a Heavenly Father that forgives unconditionally and will help anyone who has faith in him get out of any dark time.

April Fourth

We celebrated this weekend for two reasons.

Exactly one year ago, on April 4, 2014, the Lord showed his love and mercy and complete control over my life in the most spectacular way.  On this day, my sweet baby girl was found via ultrasound when I was completely out of hope. I will always and forever remember 4/4/14.

This year on this date, we are preparing to celebrate something even more fantastic. We get to celebrate our risen savior! We get to stand an in awe of the fact that God, the same God who stuck with me when I gave up and rewarded me with my most precious possession when I didn't deserve it, sent his son to die on a cross to save ALL MANKIND (not just a few)! He sent his son to die on a cross to cleanse us of our sins so that we could spend eternity in the most wonderful place imaginable! Even more spectacular though, is that Jesus ROSE FROM THE GRAVE!!! Not in a creepy zombie way, but in a powerful and almighty way to fulfill his promises!

Jesus Christ IS the risen savior. He has saved me from my sins which are too many to count. He has stayed by my side through depression when I wasn't a loving follower. He has shown me his grace in 1025522 different ways! He can do this for you too!

I encourage you to stop and think about these verses. This excerpt is not from a fictional book. It is from God's Holy Word. Everything is true. He will save you. He will save me. He will save my Claire. He can save the world! We only need to trust in him! Thank you, Lord, for your incredible plans and promises!

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Happy Easter Everyone! I hope that you all have something wonderful to celebrate this weekend!

Worry and Relief

I just found myself stuck in a {short} rut of worry. I find that Claire is usually very active. All the time. We got back from the beach yesterday and I didn't feel her move a lot during the car ride home, I didn't feel her at all last night or this morning. Of course, I panicked and thought that I did something to hurt her in some way. I prayed last night that she was ok. I woke up praying this morning that she would be ok. I looked up "ways to make the baby move" and they didn't seem to work. I played Oceans on my phone. I put it directly on my stomach. That sweet girl started moving almost right away! I love that the song that gave me the most comfort in waiting for her is now giving both of us comfort and encouragement. I think The Lord does everything for a reason. I know that he wanted me to listen to the words of the song this morning and remember to trust him. All the time. He knows what he's doing. He knew that once I heard those words I would calm myself down and my sweet girl would wiggle and give me some relief. I'm so thankful for small moments like these.

(**And from last night through this morning she has been going nuts.**)

I'm lovin' it

You should read that title as if you're singing the McDonald's theme song…just FYI.

I realize that a lot of people find pregnancy to be awkward or uncomfortable or ugly. I understand now how those feelings could come into someone's mind, but that is absolutely not how I feel about this whole process.

I've always wanted to be pregnant. I've always thought that it looks somewhat glamorous. I've always thought that pregnant women of all shapes and sizes are absolutely, 100%, the most beautiful women on the planet. I was hoping that I would feel this way about myself when I became pregnant, and I am happy to report that I DO!

I haven't struggled with self esteem or self consciousness since I got braces. The only thing that ever bothered me about my appearance enough to make me shy or nervous to speak to others was the gap between my teeth. After that, I've been pretty happy. Sure there were times where I didn't like the way clothes fit, or how my stomach looked in that swimsuit, or the haircut that I had, but I still went out and lived my life. Whatevs. I've been really skinny and I've gained a lot of weight really quickly. Your friends shouldn't be your friends based on how you look. Am I right? Recently (within the past 2-3 years) I've really struggled with some stomach and bloating issues. I really hated it. I couldn't wear a fitted shirt or dress because I knew that I would have some super bloatage by the end of the day. This shaped my love for Piko's…bless those flowy miracles. I found some (at least I thought so) great alternatives for my wardrobe to accommodate my gas bubble - as I so lovingly called it.

Well, now I'm pregnant. Getting bigger in the stomach is part of the process. I. LOVE. IT. I love the way I look and feel so far in this pregnancy. I love that I can wear tight shirts and not feel self conscious of the stomach sticking way out in front of me. I love maternity pants and I don't think I will ever give those things up. I love that I am at the stage now where pretty much anyone that sees me knows that I am with child. I love that I haven't gained a lot of weight and it seems that most of the weight gained is in the belly region. I love that I'm pregnant in the summer because I love being tan. I've come to find out that tan and pregnant is my happy place. (Ohmygosh…how vain did that sound!?!?!) I have never been more comfortable in my own skin as I am right now.

I know that my thoughts on all of this could still change as I have 17 weeks and 6 days to go with this whole thing. I wanted to document how I am feeling right now. I also know that not everyone feels this way about being pregnant and that's ok! I am so very thankful, and have said this to Andrew recently, that I love being pregnant as much as I hoped and thought I would. This is a total blessing and I refuse to complain or take it for granted.

15 weeks

19 weeks

Almost 22 weeks

The BEST day!!!

First, we have to back up a month. Starting in March.

After 2 1/2 months with no doctor's visits or phone calls, Andrew and I were feeling good. He had finished the Bar Exam, Jamie and Ben had Millie, Kaitlyn and Jacob had Harlow. I was getting my baby fix in (this really didn't make me sad, I loved having little babies to snuggle). We were getting ready to go to Charleston for an amazing get-away. Life was good!

We were ready to get back on fertility medicine and finish up our last round of Femara. At cycle day 31, I still was not having a period (to be expected from someone who doesn't ovulate). I took a NEGATIVE pregnancy test and had a NEGATIVE blood test on March 12. My doctor prescribed the Provera. This is the medicine that forces a period. I took this pill for 10 days…nothing. It didn't bother me much. Then it was 12 MORE days after the medicine (April 3)…NOTHING. That's when I panicked. The medicine wasn't working. Something else was wrong! I called the doctor's office probably 10 times and text my friend, Lisa, trying to get a hold of Dr. S. She was very busy that day and also wanted to look at my chart before talking to me about next steps. She finally called me back that evening around 5:30…I was in the middle of a newborn shoot, and was totally rude and answered my phone (sorry Liz). Dr. S was very sweet and said that I had a LOT of info in my chart for her to look over. She wanted to me come in first thing the next morning to talk about the next steps for what was going on. These were my options: 1. I had no uterine lining and therefore nothing to shed. 2. There was a cyst or other possible mass growing in my uterus preventing a period. That was it.

Now we have made it to April 4, 2014. A day I will ALWAYS remember.

I went by myself to this appointment. Andrew had just started work as a "real" employee. He had already left several times during his clerkship to join me. These appointments were very routine. He just wanted to make sure that I asked certain questions about when and how we would be starting the next process - Artificial Insemination. He told me to call him as soon as the appointment was over. I drove to the appointment listening to my songs and praying for the miracle that I had been praying for the last 10 months.

I went back to the room and got ready for the appointment. Dr. S walked in and was very encouraging about her plans to help us conceive. She wasn't sugar coating anything, and I liked that. She was factual but also caring with her plans and information. After a few minutes of her talking to me, she prepped and got ready for the ultrasound. She told me that she was going to look at my ovaries and tubes and then my uterus. If there was a "problem", she would be able to find it through the ultrasound. She started with my right ovary. She said it looked fine, still PCOS, but no major problems. Then she scanned over the left side. This is the part I will NEVER forget!!!!

While she was scanning to the left ovary, she had to pass my uterus. Something seemed to catch her attention. I believe she said, "Wait, what. What's that?" Of course I'm lying there a little concerned. In my mind I was thinking that she had to have found something huge and wrong! I said, "What is it??" She was basically silent for a few hours (I mean seconds…but you know how that feels). Her eyes and her mouth were WIIIIIIIDE open. She grabbed the computer screen and pulled it close to her face. That's when she looked at me and said, "That's a yolk sack. That's a yolk sack!" I had no idea what that meant, but thankfully she kept talking. "That's a pregnancy! YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!" Shock and tears came from me. I do believe I told her that she better not be joking because that would be really messed up. She said, "You're pregnant! That's your baby! Look at the heartbeat!" I looked and I saw a teeny-tiny little flutter. Right there in the middle of the screen. Then I started bawling. Like ugly cry (also, this is a vaginal ultrasound…I'm crying. I'm laying down. My legs are up…). I don't even care. Dr. S looked at me and said, "Stop crying so I can print a picture of your baby! Pull yourself together!" I love her. She measured my sweet little thing and found that I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The baby was the size of a grain of rice. That means I was one week away from having a POSITIVE blood test earlier in March when it showed negative. It was just a little too early!

I asked the doctor, "How did this happen?!" Her response, "There is no medical reason for this pregnancy. It really is the Lord's awesome work and timing." That's what she said. The doctor. I loved it. I left the room. Lisa Franks was waiting for me and gave me the best hug. Then I went to have some routine blood tests done.

The sweetest picture I ever did see. 

Now, let us remember that Andrew was not with me at this appointment. I called him when I was waiting for the blood test, but made up this SUPER elaborate story about not knowing what was going on and I was waiting on blood work. He believed me. I called him again when I left the hospital. I asked if I could bring him a Sonic drink. He kept telling me not to worry about. Finally I said, "I am bringing you this drink so just tell me what you want…geez!". He could tell something was up. 

Side note: Andrew was waiting to find out his Bar results on this day! He was already a nervous wreck because the Bar Association posts a countdown clock on their website that he had been watching all day. 

He thought that I was just being pushy so that I could bring him a "you can make it through this day" surprise…little did he know ;). 

I called him when I got outside the office. He met me in the car to get his Sonic drink and "surprise". All I did was hold up the ultrasound picture. I can't remember if I even said anything. I think he asked if I was showing him pictures of some egg follicles that were ready (which he was excited about). I shook my head "no". Then it registered with him. He was looking at a BABY in the picture. OUR BABY! He said he got misty eyed, but I just remember his smile and his hug. It was so wonderful. I was a mess. 

After I told Andrew, I called my sister…duh. All I said when she answered the phone was "Hey Aunt Chele". It took her a minute and then she got excited! I had to go back to work after this. I went back to work after seeing my baby for the first time and I didn't say anything to anyone. Luckily we were going on a field trip to the park on this day, so I didn't have to really concentrate on what I was saying.

I got home from work and Andrew was already home watching that blasted Bar results countdown clock.  We were excited but nervous about the results…even though we both knew that he would pass. He's a genius. But now, we had a baby that he needed to work for. The stakes were higher. 

We found out at 4:00 that day that he did indeed pass the Bar Exam. With flying colors! 

We had already planned for Andrew's parents to come up for the weekend to celebrate Andrew's passing. Like I said, we KNEW he would pass! When we found out about the baby I called my parents and asked them several times to come up for the evening and join us for a celebratory dinner. I really wanted to tell them in person! They kept turning me down…sheesh. At 4:01 my mom sent a text asking for Andrew's results. My response was "come up here and find out". She LOL'd but said they couldn't come up. This is what followed:

Me: Andrew passed! But that's not the only good news today!

Mom: ?

Me: (sent picture of ultrasound) Your grand baby is coming on Thanksgiving Day!

I do believe she said that she tried to call me, but dropped her phone. When she did call she was so happy. And they were at the car dealership…that's why they didn't come up! I talked to her and dad for a while. Good stuff, but I don't remember. Mom did say that she told the car dealer…that was the only stranger to know before 12 weeks. 

Doug and Cherri Came over that evening. We talked for a while and they settled in. Then we had Brody come out with a "big brother" sign. Doug was the first to see it and he cried. When Cherri saw it she was so excited! We spent the rest of the night celebrating the baby and Andrew! We had an amazing dinner at Ruth's Chris… Just yes. 

What. A. Day.

Thankful

This is the last post that I ever wrote concerning me NOT having a baby. It was like the Lord finally got through to me on this day. The world does not revolve around Meredith Curtis (as much as I wish it did…kidding). 

(2/14/14)
I found out this week that two more very dear friends are expecting. It's to be expected to hear this news now. I am so happy for them, but I had a pitty party in the shower...

I've made it a habit to always listen to praise and worship music in the shower and while I'm getting ready because that's my "quiet time". While I was having my pitty party during my quiet time I tried to tell myself "I understand why this is happening. Thank you for giving these friends a baby and not me. You're not ready for me to be a mama and you need me to do something else, but I don't know what." The tears flowed. They do every shower.

Right then a song came on that I have never heard and it kept repeating "the pain you're feeling now is nothing compared to the joy that's coming." Please lord, let me remember those words! My joy is coming!

My JOY did come! It came on April 4th, 2014!!! (Next post about this day.)

Also, today my friend Jamie sent me this picture of a book she is reading. I thought this line applied perfectly to this post, "We will thank Him for the prayers He did answer. We'll also thank Him for the prayers He didn't answer because we'll finally understand why. And we'll thank Him for the answered prayers we weren't even aware of." - Praying Circles Around the Lives of Your Children

Encouragement

 I wish that I could say that I used my time of sorrow to dive into a great bible study or book to draw me to closer to the Lord during a really hard time. I wish I could, I feel like I should, but I can't. My mind tends to wander when I sit down and read. It's hard for me to focus on the text rather than daydream about my personal thoughts. I DID however, find solace in Praise and Worship music (and sometimes just contemporary music). When I'm singing along I can't help but think about and listen to what I'm saying. In fact, on my way to EVERY doctors appointment, I listened to two songs: "Oceans" by Hillsong and "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship. Powerful. They were my prayer. Sometimes I would smile listening to them. Sometimes I would cry listening to them. But I listened. 

I hope that if you are struggling with something, ANYTHING, that you will find a way to find peace. I am a Christian. I already had peace knowing that God is there for me. He is a constant companion to talk to (even to gripe to). He never gets tired to listening. He really doesn't. I felt closest to him when I was singing at the top of my lungs, or flipping through Pinterest and something so wonderful would pop up as a reminder, or during my daily reading of "Jesus Calling" there might have been a specific day that I would read EXACTLY what I needed to. That was him. He's pretty cool like that. I also have amazing friends and family that genuinely talked to me and prayed for me. People like that are hard to come by! These things are what drew me closer to the Lord during a really hard time. 

Below are the things I had saved to my phone to go back and look at anytime I wanted.

Listening to "Forever" by Kari Jobe 

"It's ok not to be ok. Tears don't mean you're losing." - Madilyn Bailey

"I will lift my eyes to healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to you!" - Bebo Norman

"And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all" - Meredith Andrews

"Oh my God, he will not delay! My refuge and strength always! I will not fear, his promise is true. My God will come through, ALWAYS!" - passion worship band"