First Trimester

(April 4th - May 29th)
It was awesome, and it was over in a flash! Our weekly turnover day is Thursday, and I started trying to take a picture around every Thursday. I've been so fortunate to not be sick. Don't get me wrong, things made me gag, and certain things sounded good when others didn't, but never once has vomit come out of my mouth...can I get a hallelujah! I'm not great at throwing up. It makes me panic. I'm so thankful that The Lord knew that.

The pregnancy was mostly a secret during this time. Very few people knew, but I'm so happy that some people were in "the know" for me to talk to about questions I had (like cramping...who knew you still had those when you got pregnant?!). I had 2 doctors appointments during this trimester and no ultrasounds except for the one that found the babe. By week 11 the family was starting to get anxious about our public announcement. I don't know how much longer they could have kept the secret. Everyone knew about the baby on May 15, 2014 (the day before our 5th anniversary) because we posted a pic on Facebook. Don't you just love how social media is the vessel for all people to know your business?! *Side note: I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I really do love keeping up with others and letting friends know what's going on in our lives, but I hate that there is so MUCH on Facebook and that's what I count on to alert people of new and exciting news…but I can't stop.** After our public announcement we both went to work and told or talked to the people we work with about the baby. I walked into school that morning and one of my sweet students, Austin, said (pointing his finger), "Everyone look at Mrs. Curtis! There's a baby growing in her tummy!" The class was so amazed! Then they heard I wasn't coming back and there were 2 rumors going around the first grade playground, 1: the baby got me fired. 2: the baby got me "retired". I explained to them how it really happened, so hopefully no more confusion. I turned in my letter of resignation on May 16th. It was tough, but I have no doubts that I'm doing the right thing for our family.

My sweet Tessa was most enthralled with the baby. Every day, multiple times a day, she would come up and touch my belly. She had a routine of questions that she would ask like, "Is the baby still in there?" "Is he (she thinks boy) kicking you?" "Is he about to come out?" ...and so on. Loved it. Macee was the other child that was very interested in the baby and she would be the first to say "everyone be quiet or you'll upset the baby!" Bless her.

Another thing I want to remember about my class is that before we knew about the pregnancy,they were starting to get very concerned about why I wasn't a mom. A lot of times they would ask me where MY kids were and I would say "you're my only kids" and their minds were BLOWN. They didn't know how one could be a teacher without having kids at home! They kept asking why and when (thankfully they NEVER asked "how"). One day, Cyniah got off on a huge tangent about me really having 25 babies. I had to slow her down on that one! I never talked about my desire to have kids with my class. I just love a child's intuition! They could tell I needed to be a mom to someone - or 25 someone's…

4/5/14 (6 weeks): Made a funny Brody video to tell the Mcginty's. Used the helium talk app and he said "Hey Matt, Lyndsy, Ethan and Macy, we have an announcement to make! Mer Mer and Andrew are having a baby!!!!!" Lyndsy called right away! She's so excited to be an aunt (again)!

4/6/14: Made another Brody video to send to Matt and Kristi. "Hey Matt and kristi! You get to be an uncle and an aunt again!" Called Mark. Then Katie called. Mom and dad came up and took us out to dinner. Andrew called nana.

4/7/14: After school, I went to watch Andrew get sworn in at the courthouse. Several of his coworkers went as well. After that, nurse Amy called and said my progesterone was low (maybe like a 12-15 and they want a 20??). I started a progesterone suppository that night and will do this until 12 weeks. The baby lives in progesterone until the placenta completely takes over. The nurse assured me that it was nothing to panic over.

4/8/14: Went out with friends to celebrate Andrew's Bar passing and swearing in. 

Had some cramping. Sometimes stronger than others. I've talked to several people - nurses included - and it's all fine as long as there's no spotting. It could be from the ultrasound, progesterone, or the baby/placenta really attaching and growing in the uterus.

4/10/14: (7 weeks!) I'm hungry, and my boobs hurt! No weight gain. 
Favorite Foods: water, nut-things, breakfast bars, almonds, applesauce, PB crackers, fruit strips...

4/14/14: For the past few days, I've had a really hard time grasping the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. To type the word is mind boggling to me! It's hard to realize the fact because I don't feel ANYTHING! (I know, I should rejoice!) Besides the occasional hunger nausea (it only happens when I get waaaaay too hungry) and my boobs hurting, life doesn't seem much different. If you know me, you know that I have stomach issues and when I start to feel hungry, I have to eat immediately to prevent this crazy bloating that happens, so the hunger nausea doesn't seem any different than that. Also, home girl loves to sleep. I have since I was little. You give me some free time, and I'm going to sleep. So, I don't feel different in that aspect either. ALLLL this to say, I selfishly needed some assurance tonight. I know that I should (and do) trust The Lord to keep this pregnancy safe and secure, but I needed something to remind me one more time. I took my first ever POSITIVE home pregnancy test. I've taken probably 50+ negative ones. It felt so good to see the positive sign and it helped to calm my anxiety, "my baby is still there and doing well!" I took the typical picture of that sweet/disgusting peed on stick. I now have 2 favorite pictures on my phone and camera. The ultrasound picture of my precious little blueberry and the positive test. I will cherish the memories of both for the rest of my life!
"Never stop believing in hope because miracles happen everyday!" - a quote my mom sent me before we ever knew.

- so far I haven't really craved anything sweet which is strange for me! I usually always need dessert, but by the time I get to the end of the meal I am too full to think of anything else going into my stomach! I'm not even eating that much! Maybe I won't be a glutton this entire pregnancy like I always thought I would be!

4/15/14: I am so thankful to not have any food aversions or cravings! Sometimes a meal will pop into my head and I make up my mind that THAT is what I want to eat, but it's nothing crazy. The one problem I have had with food is the last bite. I can be enjoying something so much while eating (currently a banana), but once I get to that last bite(s) I just can't finish it! That's probably a good thing and will keep me from over eating!

4/16/14: Cramping a lot today!

4/17/14: (8 weeks!)
Praying for peace, comfort and assurance for friends that last their baby recently. 

4/19/14: yard work day! It was a doozy! Started at 10:30 am and finished around 6:30 pm. Uhg. (I've lost weight.)

4/20/14: Hardest day so far! Everything hurts after doing yard work. Didn't sleep much last night and was up to soak in the tub at 5:00 am. Taken 4 Tylenol (only 2 every 4 hours) by 5:30. Threw up (actually dry heaved) for the first time. Had diarrhea after. Slept a whole lot with a heating pad during the day. Seth and Heather came over for Easter lunch! Ended the day with 100.3 temp - stomach bug.

4/21/14: Stayed home from work, soreness is gone but my stomach is upset. Multiple episodes and I can't eat anything! Temp back up to 99.3 around 5. Went to bed with horrible ache in my stomach, but couldn't force anything out.

4/22/14: Finally woke up at 6:30 with some relief! Took 1 anti diarrhea pill after. Tried to go back to sleep. (More weight loss.)
It's appointment day!!!!

4/30/14: Tomorrow is 10 weeks. TEN! I'm so happy my heart might explode! At the prenatal appointment, Nurse Gina was very helpful and informative. She asked about any symptoms and health concerns. I got to tell her about my gas bubble probs and she assured me that the bloating will only get worse (it's true). She put me at ease that I wasn't feeling all that nauseous. She told me some things that help when I am feeling queasy and it's been helping (jolly ranchers, eat every 2 hours, carbs, water and Gatorade, and anything citrus-y)! She did go ahead and send a perscription for Zophran to the pharmacy- just in case. I ended up taking it the day after my appointment, which was also the first day post stomach bug. I hadn't eaten in 3 days and didn't want to feel nauseous when I finally did eat! It helped, and I had a great day! I haven't taken it since though. We also cleared up our insurance and talked to them about what we need to do when we switch to Andrew's policy in August. The answer is pay 2 deductibles  I don't even care. I get a baby! To update on symptoms in the last week, I'll start by saying, "what symptoms?" I think I might have hit the mark where they are mostly gone. I'm always tired, and I know that will never go away-for the rest of my life. I haven't felt extremely nauseous in a while. It did happen one morning when I waiting too long to eat breakfast. The bloat (and gas) is unreal. I should be a test subject for someone because they would be amazed. I am now only getting up once in the night to pee, but anytime I use the restroom it's quite a lot. No constipation! As I said to nurse Gina, "this girl likes to stay regular!" True story. Tummy started to feel pretty tight this week, like I can't suck it in if I tried. I know I'm not showing yet, I won't be that person, but I can personally tell that my uterus is taking up more room..if you know what I mean. I don't have cravings 24/7, but when it's meal time, and I think of something, I have to have it. Now. Like: mom's salsa and Chinese salad, sonic chicken sandwich, green submarine bang pow chicken sandwich, poppyseed chicken (I have a thing for chicken), and fruit. I so desperately want a seafood and crab sandwich from subway and I can't have it. It'll be hard, but I will get through it. What can I not have anymore that seems strange, you ask? Sweets. Don't want them. I couldn't even finish a Reese's egg y'all. Couldn't finish it. I also didn't care for a brownie that I had today. What do I LOOOOOVE now that I didn't before? Orange. Juice. Give it to me.

5/2/14: Week 10 started with a bang! I had my first official morning sickness (but no throw up). Not fun, but also a great reminder! I took Zophran yesterday morning, drank orange juice and sucked a jolly rancher to help the nausea and was fine for the day. I ended up taking another Zophran at bed time because nausea was coming back and I wanted to get a good sleep. I woke up at 3 to use the restroom and had to snack on a few (gluten free nut thin) crackers. Last night, I went to Rhea Lana's half price sale with Michelle Gooch. That girl can find some good stuff! I got 4 gender neutral, super sweet, newborn onesies. One boy and girl outfit for next summer (they were $1.75 each). For me, I got 2 pairs of maternity khaki shorts, and a canopy car seat cover (for $4)! I exercised for the first time in a loooooooong time 2 days ago. I walked at an incline, did lunges and squats and bicep and tricep (light) weight lifting. My legs feel like someone hit them up and down with a hammer. I should exercise more....maybe.

5/4/14: 10 weeks, 3 days and still can't eat much. Weighed this morning and I'm down several pounds.

5/6/14: I've got my appetite back! After several days of not eating, it feels good to be back. Exhaustion has hit full force! It could be that I'm tired of school... My sweet mother has planted the bug in my brain that it might still be twins. Now she's got me all excited, but I'm mostly just excited to hear a strong heartbeat tomorrow (no matter how many there are)! Yesterday, I felt like a pregnant person. My belly was so tight, but a good tight. Today, I feel like a gas bubble. I had some DP (in a glass bottle so it was super bubbly) and I can feel the difference between the 2! It probably seems weird to you, but I love knowing what days are "baby". :)

I've gotten the chance to tell all (or most) of our close friends and family by this point. There were just some people that I didn't want to find out over social media!

5/14/14: It's my 12th week!!!!! I can't wait to make our big announcement about our sweet babe! Last Wednesday, we heard the sweetest sound there ever was...a 160/161 bpm heartbeat (just one)! It didn't take long at all to find it and it was so strong. We videoed it so we can listen all the time. Andrew got sworn in at the Arkansas Supreme Court on Friday and then we spent the weekend with his family. It was the first time to see the Mcginty's and Nana since finding out about the baby, and we had a great weekend. Unfortunately, I got my first batch of headaches and had to try and sleep it off and then take Tylenol. Yesterday and today, I have woken up with the nausea back. I love it, but I hope that goes away soon!

5/15/14: We made the official announcement to everyone that we are expecting!

5/21/14: (12 weeks, 6 days) It's been a crazy few weeks! Last weekend, we had family in town to watch Andrew graduate and we hosted a celebratory dinner at our house for family and friends. We had about 20 people in the house! Yesterday, Leslie had sweet Amelia! I made it to the hospital right after she was born and was able to hear her cry. That girl was 9lbs 8oz and 22in!!!! Leslie was a trooper and only pushed for 20 minutes! My sweet mom was quick to remind me that my delivery will probably not go so smoothly...thanks? Today, we got to really see our sweet baby. Dawna Jones (Macee's mom) let us come in for a scan! She showed us profiles, front of the face, spine, ribs, arms and legs, stomach, kidneys, brain, and all four chambers of the heart! We also got to watch the nugget move around like a wild person! Legs and arms were flailing, baby was sitting cris cross applesauce with feet pointing down into my cervix. I've had to start wearing SOME maternity pants. :)

The BEST day!!!

First, we have to back up a month. Starting in March.

After 2 1/2 months with no doctor's visits or phone calls, Andrew and I were feeling good. He had finished the Bar Exam, Jamie and Ben had Millie, Kaitlyn and Jacob had Harlow. I was getting my baby fix in (this really didn't make me sad, I loved having little babies to snuggle). We were getting ready to go to Charleston for an amazing get-away. Life was good!

We were ready to get back on fertility medicine and finish up our last round of Femara. At cycle day 31, I still was not having a period (to be expected from someone who doesn't ovulate). I took a NEGATIVE pregnancy test and had a NEGATIVE blood test on March 12. My doctor prescribed the Provera. This is the medicine that forces a period. I took this pill for 10 days…nothing. It didn't bother me much. Then it was 12 MORE days after the medicine (April 3)…NOTHING. That's when I panicked. The medicine wasn't working. Something else was wrong! I called the doctor's office probably 10 times and text my friend, Lisa, trying to get a hold of Dr. S. She was very busy that day and also wanted to look at my chart before talking to me about next steps. She finally called me back that evening around 5:30…I was in the middle of a newborn shoot, and was totally rude and answered my phone (sorry Liz). Dr. S was very sweet and said that I had a LOT of info in my chart for her to look over. She wanted to me come in first thing the next morning to talk about the next steps for what was going on. These were my options: 1. I had no uterine lining and therefore nothing to shed. 2. There was a cyst or other possible mass growing in my uterus preventing a period. That was it.

Now we have made it to April 4, 2014. A day I will ALWAYS remember.

I went by myself to this appointment. Andrew had just started work as a "real" employee. He had already left several times during his clerkship to join me. These appointments were very routine. He just wanted to make sure that I asked certain questions about when and how we would be starting the next process - Artificial Insemination. He told me to call him as soon as the appointment was over. I drove to the appointment listening to my songs and praying for the miracle that I had been praying for the last 10 months.

I went back to the room and got ready for the appointment. Dr. S walked in and was very encouraging about her plans to help us conceive. She wasn't sugar coating anything, and I liked that. She was factual but also caring with her plans and information. After a few minutes of her talking to me, she prepped and got ready for the ultrasound. She told me that she was going to look at my ovaries and tubes and then my uterus. If there was a "problem", she would be able to find it through the ultrasound. She started with my right ovary. She said it looked fine, still PCOS, but no major problems. Then she scanned over the left side. This is the part I will NEVER forget!!!!

While she was scanning to the left ovary, she had to pass my uterus. Something seemed to catch her attention. I believe she said, "Wait, what. What's that?" Of course I'm lying there a little concerned. In my mind I was thinking that she had to have found something huge and wrong! I said, "What is it??" She was basically silent for a few hours (I mean seconds…but you know how that feels). Her eyes and her mouth were WIIIIIIIDE open. She grabbed the computer screen and pulled it close to her face. That's when she looked at me and said, "That's a yolk sack. That's a yolk sack!" I had no idea what that meant, but thankfully she kept talking. "That's a pregnancy! YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!" Shock and tears came from me. I do believe I told her that she better not be joking because that would be really messed up. She said, "You're pregnant! That's your baby! Look at the heartbeat!" I looked and I saw a teeny-tiny little flutter. Right there in the middle of the screen. Then I started bawling. Like ugly cry (also, this is a vaginal ultrasound…I'm crying. I'm laying down. My legs are up…). I don't even care. Dr. S looked at me and said, "Stop crying so I can print a picture of your baby! Pull yourself together!" I love her. She measured my sweet little thing and found that I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The baby was the size of a grain of rice. That means I was one week away from having a POSITIVE blood test earlier in March when it showed negative. It was just a little too early!

I asked the doctor, "How did this happen?!" Her response, "There is no medical reason for this pregnancy. It really is the Lord's awesome work and timing." That's what she said. The doctor. I loved it. I left the room. Lisa Franks was waiting for me and gave me the best hug. Then I went to have some routine blood tests done.

The sweetest picture I ever did see. 

Now, let us remember that Andrew was not with me at this appointment. I called him when I was waiting for the blood test, but made up this SUPER elaborate story about not knowing what was going on and I was waiting on blood work. He believed me. I called him again when I left the hospital. I asked if I could bring him a Sonic drink. He kept telling me not to worry about. Finally I said, "I am bringing you this drink so just tell me what you want…geez!". He could tell something was up. 

Side note: Andrew was waiting to find out his Bar results on this day! He was already a nervous wreck because the Bar Association posts a countdown clock on their website that he had been watching all day. 

He thought that I was just being pushy so that I could bring him a "you can make it through this day" surprise…little did he know ;). 

I called him when I got outside the office. He met me in the car to get his Sonic drink and "surprise". All I did was hold up the ultrasound picture. I can't remember if I even said anything. I think he asked if I was showing him pictures of some egg follicles that were ready (which he was excited about). I shook my head "no". Then it registered with him. He was looking at a BABY in the picture. OUR BABY! He said he got misty eyed, but I just remember his smile and his hug. It was so wonderful. I was a mess. 

After I told Andrew, I called my sister…duh. All I said when she answered the phone was "Hey Aunt Chele". It took her a minute and then she got excited! I had to go back to work after this. I went back to work after seeing my baby for the first time and I didn't say anything to anyone. Luckily we were going on a field trip to the park on this day, so I didn't have to really concentrate on what I was saying.

I got home from work and Andrew was already home watching that blasted Bar results countdown clock.  We were excited but nervous about the results…even though we both knew that he would pass. He's a genius. But now, we had a baby that he needed to work for. The stakes were higher. 

We found out at 4:00 that day that he did indeed pass the Bar Exam. With flying colors! 

We had already planned for Andrew's parents to come up for the weekend to celebrate Andrew's passing. Like I said, we KNEW he would pass! When we found out about the baby I called my parents and asked them several times to come up for the evening and join us for a celebratory dinner. I really wanted to tell them in person! They kept turning me down…sheesh. At 4:01 my mom sent a text asking for Andrew's results. My response was "come up here and find out". She LOL'd but said they couldn't come up. This is what followed:

Me: Andrew passed! But that's not the only good news today!

Mom: ?

Me: (sent picture of ultrasound) Your grand baby is coming on Thanksgiving Day!

I do believe she said that she tried to call me, but dropped her phone. When she did call she was so happy. And they were at the car dealership…that's why they didn't come up! I talked to her and dad for a while. Good stuff, but I don't remember. Mom did say that she told the car dealer…that was the only stranger to know before 12 weeks. 

Doug and Cherri Came over that evening. We talked for a while and they settled in. Then we had Brody come out with a "big brother" sign. Doug was the first to see it and he cried. When Cherri saw it she was so excited! We spent the rest of the night celebrating the baby and Andrew! We had an amazing dinner at Ruth's Chris… Just yes. 

What. A. Day.

Thankful

This is the last post that I ever wrote concerning me NOT having a baby. It was like the Lord finally got through to me on this day. The world does not revolve around Meredith Curtis (as much as I wish it did…kidding). 

(2/14/14)
I found out this week that two more very dear friends are expecting. It's to be expected to hear this news now. I am so happy for them, but I had a pitty party in the shower...

I've made it a habit to always listen to praise and worship music in the shower and while I'm getting ready because that's my "quiet time". While I was having my pitty party during my quiet time I tried to tell myself "I understand why this is happening. Thank you for giving these friends a baby and not me. You're not ready for me to be a mama and you need me to do something else, but I don't know what." The tears flowed. They do every shower.

Right then a song came on that I have never heard and it kept repeating "the pain you're feeling now is nothing compared to the joy that's coming." Please lord, let me remember those words! My joy is coming!

My JOY did come! It came on April 4th, 2014!!! (Next post about this day.)

Also, today my friend Jamie sent me this picture of a book she is reading. I thought this line applied perfectly to this post, "We will thank Him for the prayers He did answer. We'll also thank Him for the prayers He didn't answer because we'll finally understand why. And we'll thank Him for the answered prayers we weren't even aware of." - Praying Circles Around the Lives of Your Children

All About Andrew

(Written on 2/3)

You know those awesome husbands you see on tv that are calm and supportive of their wives who are acting like crazy people?? Well, my Andrew blows them out of the water. He's awesome y'all, my heart flutters.

Any time I am sad and wallowing he just lets me. Any time I'm being selfish and dramatic, he reminds me that he is hurting too. He wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mama. He has blown up a few times, with good reason. I have too. 

He is supporting me and studying for the Bar all at the same time. Y'all, he doesn't even get mad at me when I talk like us having a baby is the most important thing. He just supports me. Having a babe is super important for us, it's always what we've seen in our future, BUT his successful career as a lawyer is what will help us create stability and comfort to raise a family. That's EXTREMELY important!

(11 days before the Bar Exam)

(This is how he studied. S'cute.)

At the end of January, Andrew decided to be tested. He knew that I had several months with an egg or eggs, and I obviously ovulated, so he wanted to take the next step. Once again, parkhill never called with the results (I swear, so frustrating even though I know they are super busy). I called on February 3rd, and it took them a while to get back to me.

Long story short, the count was great, but the motility was a little slow. They're looking for anything over 50% (don't ask me to explain this fact-I don't even know.) They think this might be due to an over abundance of white blood cells, so they suggested an antibiotic for him to take. I asked if it would be ok for Andrew to wait before starting this 3 week cycle of antibiotics twice a day. They said he should really get started now because it could take up to 3 MONTHS to take effect...awesome. Andrew, being the awesome stud that he is, agreed to go ahead and start the meds as well as take a sudafed to help with things. What a champ!

Thank you Andrew for being you. You are perfect. I can't wait to some day give you what you want, but thank you for being there with me while we wait. Love you!

Encouragement

 I wish that I could say that I used my time of sorrow to dive into a great bible study or book to draw me to closer to the Lord during a really hard time. I wish I could, I feel like I should, but I can't. My mind tends to wander when I sit down and read. It's hard for me to focus on the text rather than daydream about my personal thoughts. I DID however, find solace in Praise and Worship music (and sometimes just contemporary music). When I'm singing along I can't help but think about and listen to what I'm saying. In fact, on my way to EVERY doctors appointment, I listened to two songs: "Oceans" by Hillsong and "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship. Powerful. They were my prayer. Sometimes I would smile listening to them. Sometimes I would cry listening to them. But I listened. 

I hope that if you are struggling with something, ANYTHING, that you will find a way to find peace. I am a Christian. I already had peace knowing that God is there for me. He is a constant companion to talk to (even to gripe to). He never gets tired to listening. He really doesn't. I felt closest to him when I was singing at the top of my lungs, or flipping through Pinterest and something so wonderful would pop up as a reminder, or during my daily reading of "Jesus Calling" there might have been a specific day that I would read EXACTLY what I needed to. That was him. He's pretty cool like that. I also have amazing friends and family that genuinely talked to me and prayed for me. People like that are hard to come by! These things are what drew me closer to the Lord during a really hard time. 

Below are the things I had saved to my phone to go back and look at anytime I wanted.

Listening to "Forever" by Kari Jobe 

"It's ok not to be ok. Tears don't mean you're losing." - Madilyn Bailey

"I will lift my eyes to healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to you!" - Bebo Norman

"And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all" - Meredith Andrews

"Oh my God, he will not delay! My refuge and strength always! I will not fear, his promise is true. My God will come through, ALWAYS!" - passion worship band"

It's kind of funny…well NOW it is.

Below are 2 real life stories that happened while taking clomid.
**This is your warning: There is some language involved…like I said, real life.

First, what is clomid?

Clomid is the medication that I took to help "grow an egg". In reality, clomid is the devil's medicine. This medicine starts out nice and sweet, and slowly turns into your husbands worst nightmare. When I got on this medicine, I made sure to research as much as I could. I'm not kidding when I say there were online articles and journals titled "I hate clomid", "crazy on clomid", "why my husband left me: clomid". Needless to say, I was pumped to start taking it! (insert sarcastic tone) My first month was a breeze. Even with the stress of starting school, I was just fine. October was a different story. I completely decided that God was not on my side. He hated me. He left me. He's punishing me... Dear bless, October was not a good month. In the next months I struggled with my feelings getting hurt. Mostly by Andrew. For no reason. I was also hateful to everyone, and let me just tell you, that gets you nowhere. I also became even more dramatic. That's a lot of drama. 

Remember how I said that October was a horrible month? Here's what happened during that month:

This is my PSA: don't start clipping coupons while taking this medicine.

Here is my experience:
It was a Sunday morning. Andrew and I had gone to the doctor to check on my egg follicle growth. We were told that I had no growth. We were charged almost $400 (and if you remember from the previous post, I was convinced that God despised me, and this day didn't help). We went home. I wept in the bed for hours.

When I decided to get out of the bed, I thought "what could take my mind off of this? I know! Couponing and price matching! Let's go!" I spent 3 hours. Three. Making my list and searching for coupons and price matches for items on my list. Three. I went to Walmart and spent 2 hours searching for said coupon related items (you know, certain brand and size). Two. It was time to check out. My buggy was filled to the brim. I had at least $100 worth of savings resting in my hand in the form of printed coupons. The cashier rings up my items and I tell her the ones to price match. Those were denied because I didn't get the same size as in the add. Dag-nab-it. She finishes ringing me up. It was $300 something. I hand her those glorious coupons just waiting to see the numbers decline and my spirits rise... She says "umm, ma'am. These won't work." Say what now!?!? What did YOU SAY?!?!? Shaujdbekdnie**&&$$$**####shdnfjjtbrk!!!!!!!!!

I forced the woman to take things off of my receipt. I forced the line of 15 people behind me to wait. I vowed to never shop at Walmart again and I absolutely will never coupon again. I ran to the car. I Called Andrew, and that conversation is kind of a blur...I cussed a lot. I screamed a lot. I cried a whole lot.

When I got home, that sweet man of mine was waiting in the garage. He gave me the best hug while I cried about those damn coupons and sent me back to bed. Bless him.

**I have restored my faith in The Lord since this terrible awful day and I have indeed been back to Walmart...still no coupons.**

Remember that time I said that my feelings were getting hurt easily, especially by Andrew? Here is a lovely example of my reaction to him one time. Once again, real life. 

"Me- you know what would make me happier, a puppy! 
A- absolutely not. 
Me- you can't keep me from getting one, so it's going to happen. 
A- (a little louder) no! It's not! 
Me- (sounding like the hulk mixed with a possessed dragon) yes! It! Is!!!!!!! 
A- stop, no it's not! 
Me-(with tears streaming down my face) If you don't let me get a puppy then I AM NOT going to your family Christmas!!!!"

Note: we were leaving our house to go to his family Christmas. 
Second note: I went to our room, started to unpack my bag, and laid on the bed to watch tv and cried my eyes out.

You think I'm kidding…

We did in fact go to family Christmas. We did not get a puppy. We switched to Femara the next month.

Thank you Jesus, that I am D.O.N.E. with that medicine. I write this as another reminder to women wondering if they should start medical treatments for fertility. It's rough. It's worth it to see progress, but it's rough. Femara is much better, but it's much more expensive. 

If Not Now, Then When?

(originally written on 2/18/14)

You know what's hard? Deciding when to tell people about your "situation". You get to a point when everyone you come into contact with asks when you will start a family, and you want to say something, but you don't. I am the type of person that loves to know all the details about everyone I know, therefore I want to tell all the details about me, but this is personal, private and embarrassing. Sometimes I tell people and I walk away from the conversation thinking "why in the world did I just tell them that?" Other times I talk to people and leave feeling refreshed and confident that they will think about us and pray for us. No matter who I talk to, it's admitting a flaw and that's hard to do. It's telling people that you can't do the ONE THING that only a woman can do. My name is Meredith, and I am infertile. I can't make a family. I don't work. It sucks.

There have been so many times that I have read amazing articles about what it feels like to be an infertile woman, and I've prepared to "share" these things via social media for all to see, and I stop. Sometimes I stop because I think I'm being selfish and want people to worry about me. Sometimes I'm embarrassed. Sometimes I just don't want to be that person that puts all of my personal thoughts on social media...

I don't think that I will be able to keep this information in forever and never talk about it. I honestly think The Lord is putting me through this to share and possibly help others some day. When I decide to share, I hope it is in a positive but completely honest way. I want people who are fertile to know what it's like to be completely opposite. I want people who have not yet started to try for a family know that your plans don't always turn out the way you think they're supposed to, but they turn out the RIGHT way for you. I want other infertile women to have something to read that might be similar to how they're feeling or someone to talk to.

If you're ever wondering what I really feel like, read this post. It's perfectly written and I don't feel like I should try and write something different because it's exactly how I feel. Please don't confuse my good mood with happiness or contentment. 90% of the time my smile is just there to get me through the day without a million "are you feeling ok" questions.
- http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/

"Don't Get Your hopes Up"

This is been the most popular phrase used in the Curtis household since August 2013.

After being married 4 years and Andrew's law school career coming to an end, we finally reached the PERFECT time to start a family. We were textbook: happily married and enjoying lots of time just the 2 of us, we travel whenever and wherever, I am set in my job starting my 5th year of teaching, we have money in the bank, maternity benefits with insurance had made it through the "pre existing" year mark so we are in the clear, Andrew is finishing law school in December and taking the Bar Exam in February of 2014 - as long as i waited to make sure that we weren't having a baby between January and March, we would be good. to. go.

I can hear God saying "tisk, tisk. You don't control your life Meredith." Ouch.

Feel free to skip and go straight to the end. It's about periods, so there's that. (also, it's long)...
I had been on birth control for several years to deal with acne and irregular period (red flag). Since I was on the pill for so long my periods are practically non existent. I never bought any type of feminine product...didn't need to (red flag). I addressed this with my OBGYN at all of my yearly appointments. She assured me it was fine and typical of someone who had been on the pill for so long. So I celebrated, "I'm just fine and I get to live life with out a monthly visit from Aunt Flo...yippee!"

In April of '13 I went for my yearly visit and talked all things making babies. I had read a book called "what to expect BEFORE you're expecting". I am happy that I read it. Others think it's too much...tit for tat. In May, my insurance year had cleared (we had to pay on a maternity plan for a year before we could get pregnant) and I was ready to get off that dern pill. I felt like a new woman! Can I get an amen?!? The doc said that it might take several months to get my regular period back, so that's what I expected...NOPE! Come my time in May- the regular 28 days, there was nothing you could do to stop the crimson tide (like I said, TMI). I was so happy! Period=ovulation. In June, it was a 36 day cycle which is a little long. Yes, I thought I could be pregnant. Took a test on our beach trip and that was a negative so I just waited. I wasn't too bummed because the baby would be due in March and that's a little close to the Bar Exam. I started and I was happy again, Period = ovulation!

Then there is July and August. The worst months ever. July was the official "green light" to start making babies. I was charting this and noting that. We were on a schedule. I don't know how many times I said "I better be pregnant!" Or "maybe it's because I'm pregnant!" 30 days pass...nothing. I have to test in New York while staying with my pregnant friend and dreaming about our babies playing together. We come home, 35 days pass...nothing. I call the doctor and have to talk with a nurse who does NOT work with my OBGYN. This nurse kept telling me "wait until this day and call back". Called back on day 37. "Wait until day 40 and call us back." Called back on day 40. "Call us back in 2 days if you haven't started and we will give you a pill to start your period and restart a cycle." I. Was. Furious. They didn't care and frankly, they didn't seem like they knew what they were talking about! On day 42 or 43 I called and I said "I NEED to talk to Dr. H's nurse. Not Dr. G's!!" They connected me. I told this nurse my situation and she said "this isn't normal, you need to come in." THANK YOU!!! I went on one day (42 or 43) to do blood work to prove that I wasn't pregnant. I went on day 44 to have a vaginal ultrasound and speak with Dr. H. The ultrasound tech didn't say much. That was fun. She looked at both ovaries and my uterus. You know that I was sitting there daydreaming about it being a baby on the screen (I also secretly hoped that she would see a baby and prove the blood work wrong). I left that room and went to a patient room.

Dr. H came in and was pleasant as always. She did some good small talk and then said, "you have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome." Umm...excuse me? Out comes the ultrasound pics and she draws a diagram. "Your ovaries are not producing eggs. You have lots of tiny cyst follicles in both ovaries that will not mature. If a follicle doesn't mature, you don't ovulate." Guess what, you have to ovulate to have a baby. I was crushed. All I kept thinking was that my lifelong dream of becoming a mother was never going to happen. I panic. She proceeded to tell us our options. 1. Start on a medication called clomid that will help to mature these follicles/eggs or 2. wait it out. If you know me, you should know that it did not take me long to say "let's get started on that clomid!" She told me about the process of coming in for more ultrasounds and getting hormone shots for triggering ovulation. I was up for anything.

Since it had been 44 days since my last period, she told me to count my first clomid pill as day 3 of a brand new cycle. I took 50mg of clomid for 4 days, and then we started the "process". More on this process and the effect of clomid in my next post.

Never in my life have I been challenged like this. During the months of May-August 15,683 people told me they were pregnant and "It happened on the first try!" I could slap them in the face...joking (but seriously). Also, I was rushing to these appointments during the first week of school...that was fun. I hate to hear people say "this is God's plan for you". I honestly do not think that my wonderful and loving God wants me to be suffering this way. I DO however think that he will bring me through it. He will help me use this situation to help others and glorify him (maybe through this post), but I'm going to be honest with you...I need prayer. I'm pretty down. I've wanted my own baby since I was old enough to know what a baby is. Soon it will be my turn!

(This post written in Dec. 2013)

Facts about Fertility Treatments

I will preface this by telling you that you are about to enter a zone of TMI. I'm not even embarrassed though, because I think it's interesting. It's  problem that needs fixed. HOWEVER, NO ONE tells newly married women or teenagers or young girls going through puberty about infertility struggles when you're older. It's more common than you think. Andrew and I were very proactive about this. I read up and researched anything and everything I could about the subject and I am certain that is why we were able to get started on treatments faster than a lot of people. Typically, when women "think they are having troubles", doctors have them wait 9 months to a year before moving on to medical help. We only waited 3 months before medical help. I am so thankful for that.

Here are the notes I kept about what happened each month. I wrote these between September 2014 and the beginning of 2014. But first, look at this picture of my ovaries and eggs…enjoy.

(Here you have my left and right ovaries. The small black "circles" on the left are what they consider PCOS. Those egg follicles are polycystic. An egg doesn't reach maturation in one of those. On the right side you see two RIPE follicles. Eggs were growing up in there. This was October 2013.)

- Appointments, 2013
The process of infertility treatments is exhausting. You're upset mentally because you can't get what you want so badly, and on top of that you are constantly scheduling and timing and charting things! Everyone tells me "this will happen when you stop stressing over it." To those people, I want to say SHUT UP! Even when I'm not thinking about it, something will come up (did you know that every commercial or tv show or post on social media has something to do with babies...I'm serious) and it gets me going again. 

When I start my period, that is day 1 of a new cycle. I have to call the doctor to let them know, they call in my prescription. I start taking meds on day 3-7. When I call on day 1, the nurse also schedules my ultrasound appointment for day 11 or 12. If egg follicles are ready (measuring at one dimension at least 22mm) at that appointment, I get an hcg shot and then Andrew and I have to have alone time 24 hours, 36 hours, and 48 hours after that. Anytime after that is "for fun" according to the doctors. Bahahahaha....no.

August (round 1):
- saw OBGYN around day 44 of a cycle. She called in my first round of clomid, 50mg. I started taking it on 8/21 and she said to consider the first pill day 3 of a new cycle (even though I never had a period). I went for an ultrasound with dr. H on 8/28 (day 10). I had one large follicle in the left ovary and 2 smaller ones on the right. None of them were quite big enough for injection. I went back on 8/30 with dr. T (day 12). All three were "ready". I got the injection. We did our duty...while in Oregon...with my family... Period started 9/17 (day 29).

September (round 2):
9/20 I stared clomid. Ultrasound with dr. G on 9/27 (day 10). Dr. G is the doc I don't care for. He and his nurse were the ones who didn't seem to care that I wasn't having a period back in August. At this appointment he told me to not stress (shut up) and drink a bottle of wine and make love to my husband and we would get pregnant. Wrongo-bongo. On 9/27 I had no follicles ready. Reschedule for 9/29 (day 12) with dr. T. **note: this was a weekend appointment. They are MUCH more expensive!** Still no egg follicles ready. This was not my month.  We were told to use ovulation predictor kits this month. Those are difficult if you use the ones with lines. There are always 2 lines on the test, but you are looking for one line to be darker...do you realize how long I stared at a stick that I just peed on to figure this out! I think I maybe had a positive OPK on 10/4 and 10/5. On day 35 of this cycle (10/21) I still hadn't started my period so I had to go in for blood work. That was negative and I ended up starting that night. 

October (round 3):
Started clomid on 10/24. Ultrasound appointment with dr. S on 11/1 (day 12). 1 follicle growing on right side but not ready, left is PCOS. Uterine lining is thin -1mm. 11/4 return for ultrasound (day 15). The one on the right side is ready. Lining still thin. Hcg injection. 11/21 started period (day 31) which was very light because of thin lining. I was very upset this month.
*Dr. S was awesome. She personally took clomid for 7 months, so she knew what I was going through. Also, she didn't charge us for the 2nd ultrasound.*

November (round 4):
Start 100mg of clomid on 11/23. Start estrogen on 11/28 to help with uterine lining. Ultrasound with dr. H on 12/2 (day 12). 2 follicles ready on the right, left is PCOS. Lining was 2mm. Hcg injection from Heather Carter in the Harps bathroom. Started period on 12/20 (day 30).

December (round 5):
Start 100 mg of Femara (to help with uterine lining) on 12/22. Ultrasound with dr. P on 12/30 (day 12). I had one on the right side that was 15x20mm and the left wasn't PCOS, but the follicle was only around 10x10. The right follicle wasn't quite big enough, but dr. P was confident enough that it would be the next day that she set me up with the hcg shot and told me to get it from home. (It was so nice to not have to go back for another ultrasound!) My lining was up to 7mm!! The Femara worked, so I will use that again for the next month! (This was a great month for "small victories"!) Heather Carter gave me the shot on 12/31. Dr. P said "a thick uterine lining can make all the difference, so I hope to see some changes this month! Femara can cause later ovulation, so we were instructed to do our "part" every other day for a week rather than the "wham bam thank you ma'am" method. My cycle lasted over 35 days. No period. No positive test. More devastation.

Now I struggle with deciding weather or not to call the doc to take medicine that will make me start my period, or let it be until March. No matter what I choose, we are NOT taking fertility meds this month (February).

 - So far, 2014 sucks (1/25-2/13)

January (continued round 5)
According to my other cycles I was supposed to start a period on Jan. 20th. I didn't. I tested. It was negative. Tested on day 36. Negative (I tried going to a baby shower on this day...just no.) Called parkhill and they wanted me to start Provera, a medicine to start my period. I wasn't ready thinking I maybe just ovulated a little later (a symptom of Femara). I just waned to wait and see. {insert "don't get your hopes up"} On Feb. 3rd, day 46, I decided to test again. Negative. I'd had enough. After every negative test I still kept thinking "miracles happen". Not for me they don't...

I called Parkhill and they ordered the Provera for me. I asked to come give a blood sample because I wanted to be 100% positive that I wasn't having a miracle baby {see, hopes up}. I gave my sample around 2:00 Monday afternoon and waited to get results until Tuesday morning. I waited, I expected a miracle. Of course, parkhill never called me (that's a whole other issue). I called them around 10:00 on Tuesday to hear that I was indeed NOT pregnant. I quickly said "thank you" and got off the phone. I went to pick up my meds and am patiently awaiting my monthly gift. I have to take this medicine every day for 10 days and I'm really hoping that I start. I'm ready to move on.

I tried to promise Andrew that I wouldn't worry about the baby process during his last month of studying, but I feel like starting a period will help keep me from stressing. We will not do any Femara this month and I will not chart my ovulation. From now until after the bar, we won't talk about medicine or baby making.

*notes about this month: All the BS about being "stress free" will help you get pregnant is W. R. O. N. G. We just had a completely stress free month because I didn't have to go to school (lots of snow days). Every person that posted about fall 2014 babies because of all the snow days might get punched by me. If you are one of the women that is now pregnant because of all the snow days...just go ahead and de-friend me from all social media. I'll be happier for you if I just don't know about it.

** I started my period on day 8 of provera, making this cycle 53 days.**

Hi, My name is Meredith, and I love a good blog.

I will admit this. I am pumped to be one of those "I'm going to blog about our family" mama's. I personally L.O.V.E reading blogs about families and their every day lives, so I'm just going to go right ahead and start my own. I am 100% positive that I will be the only one to read this on a regular basis. It's all good. I am horrible about sitting down and handwriting anything into a diary, but I have no problem leaving notes on my phone or my computer (curse this technology addiction). I want to remember everything. 

"Meredith, what is going to be on your blog?" Great question! I am going to use this as a tool to not only help ME remember everything, but hopefully to connect and help others in the same situations or stages of life. During our infertility treatments I kept a note open on my phone. I used it as a way to vent and to write facts, but mostly to vent. I am going to share those notes. That's a rough thing to go through rather it's short lived (like mine-10 months) or a loooong time. It sucks. I read an article about women that are infertile having the same emotional effects as women (or men) going through cancer. It's a sickness of sorts. It consumes you. It's hard..especially when everyone on this sweet Earth is pregnant! I have also been keeping up in my notes about plans we have for our baby - both boy AND girl plans. I'll share the interesting ones. Lastly, I hope to stay current on what is going on through the pregnancy and then after the baby gets here. Once again, I already have notes on my phone about this and will just copy and paste what I have so far…and then keep on adding. 

I am so excited! To say that I am obsessed with this baby already is an understatement. Andrew and I are so happy that we were chosen to be parents at this absolutely PERFECT moment. God knows what he's doing. I wish there was a better way to tell that to people that are struggling, but it's the truth. Sometimes you just have to wait and figure it out for yourself…like me (I wasn't great at listening to optimistic people).