April Fourth

We celebrated this weekend for two reasons.

Exactly one year ago, on April 4, 2014, the Lord showed his love and mercy and complete control over my life in the most spectacular way.  On this day, my sweet baby girl was found via ultrasound when I was completely out of hope. I will always and forever remember 4/4/14.

This year on this date, we are preparing to celebrate something even more fantastic. We get to celebrate our risen savior! We get to stand an in awe of the fact that God, the same God who stuck with me when I gave up and rewarded me with my most precious possession when I didn't deserve it, sent his son to die on a cross to save ALL MANKIND (not just a few)! He sent his son to die on a cross to cleanse us of our sins so that we could spend eternity in the most wonderful place imaginable! Even more spectacular though, is that Jesus ROSE FROM THE GRAVE!!! Not in a creepy zombie way, but in a powerful and almighty way to fulfill his promises!

Jesus Christ IS the risen savior. He has saved me from my sins which are too many to count. He has stayed by my side through depression when I wasn't a loving follower. He has shown me his grace in 1025522 different ways! He can do this for you too!

I encourage you to stop and think about these verses. This excerpt is not from a fictional book. It is from God's Holy Word. Everything is true. He will save you. He will save me. He will save my Claire. He can save the world! We only need to trust in him! Thank you, Lord, for your incredible plans and promises!

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Happy Easter Everyone! I hope that you all have something wonderful to celebrate this weekend!

Thankful

This is the last post that I ever wrote concerning me NOT having a baby. It was like the Lord finally got through to me on this day. The world does not revolve around Meredith Curtis (as much as I wish it did…kidding). 

(2/14/14)
I found out this week that two more very dear friends are expecting. It's to be expected to hear this news now. I am so happy for them, but I had a pitty party in the shower...

I've made it a habit to always listen to praise and worship music in the shower and while I'm getting ready because that's my "quiet time". While I was having my pitty party during my quiet time I tried to tell myself "I understand why this is happening. Thank you for giving these friends a baby and not me. You're not ready for me to be a mama and you need me to do something else, but I don't know what." The tears flowed. They do every shower.

Right then a song came on that I have never heard and it kept repeating "the pain you're feeling now is nothing compared to the joy that's coming." Please lord, let me remember those words! My joy is coming!

My JOY did come! It came on April 4th, 2014!!! (Next post about this day.)

Also, today my friend Jamie sent me this picture of a book she is reading. I thought this line applied perfectly to this post, "We will thank Him for the prayers He did answer. We'll also thank Him for the prayers He didn't answer because we'll finally understand why. And we'll thank Him for the answered prayers we weren't even aware of." - Praying Circles Around the Lives of Your Children

All About Andrew

(Written on 2/3)

You know those awesome husbands you see on tv that are calm and supportive of their wives who are acting like crazy people?? Well, my Andrew blows them out of the water. He's awesome y'all, my heart flutters.

Any time I am sad and wallowing he just lets me. Any time I'm being selfish and dramatic, he reminds me that he is hurting too. He wants to be a daddy as much as I want to be a mama. He has blown up a few times, with good reason. I have too. 

He is supporting me and studying for the Bar all at the same time. Y'all, he doesn't even get mad at me when I talk like us having a baby is the most important thing. He just supports me. Having a babe is super important for us, it's always what we've seen in our future, BUT his successful career as a lawyer is what will help us create stability and comfort to raise a family. That's EXTREMELY important!

(11 days before the Bar Exam)

(This is how he studied. S'cute.)

At the end of January, Andrew decided to be tested. He knew that I had several months with an egg or eggs, and I obviously ovulated, so he wanted to take the next step. Once again, parkhill never called with the results (I swear, so frustrating even though I know they are super busy). I called on February 3rd, and it took them a while to get back to me.

Long story short, the count was great, but the motility was a little slow. They're looking for anything over 50% (don't ask me to explain this fact-I don't even know.) They think this might be due to an over abundance of white blood cells, so they suggested an antibiotic for him to take. I asked if it would be ok for Andrew to wait before starting this 3 week cycle of antibiotics twice a day. They said he should really get started now because it could take up to 3 MONTHS to take effect...awesome. Andrew, being the awesome stud that he is, agreed to go ahead and start the meds as well as take a sudafed to help with things. What a champ!

Thank you Andrew for being you. You are perfect. I can't wait to some day give you what you want, but thank you for being there with me while we wait. Love you!

Encouragement

 I wish that I could say that I used my time of sorrow to dive into a great bible study or book to draw me to closer to the Lord during a really hard time. I wish I could, I feel like I should, but I can't. My mind tends to wander when I sit down and read. It's hard for me to focus on the text rather than daydream about my personal thoughts. I DID however, find solace in Praise and Worship music (and sometimes just contemporary music). When I'm singing along I can't help but think about and listen to what I'm saying. In fact, on my way to EVERY doctors appointment, I listened to two songs: "Oceans" by Hillsong and "Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship. Powerful. They were my prayer. Sometimes I would smile listening to them. Sometimes I would cry listening to them. But I listened. 

I hope that if you are struggling with something, ANYTHING, that you will find a way to find peace. I am a Christian. I already had peace knowing that God is there for me. He is a constant companion to talk to (even to gripe to). He never gets tired to listening. He really doesn't. I felt closest to him when I was singing at the top of my lungs, or flipping through Pinterest and something so wonderful would pop up as a reminder, or during my daily reading of "Jesus Calling" there might have been a specific day that I would read EXACTLY what I needed to. That was him. He's pretty cool like that. I also have amazing friends and family that genuinely talked to me and prayed for me. People like that are hard to come by! These things are what drew me closer to the Lord during a really hard time. 

Below are the things I had saved to my phone to go back and look at anytime I wanted.

Listening to "Forever" by Kari Jobe 

"It's ok not to be ok. Tears don't mean you're losing." - Madilyn Bailey

"I will lift my eyes to healer of the hurt I hold inside. I will lift my eyes to you!" - Bebo Norman

"And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all" - Meredith Andrews

"Oh my God, he will not delay! My refuge and strength always! I will not fear, his promise is true. My God will come through, ALWAYS!" - passion worship band"

It's kind of funny…well NOW it is.

Below are 2 real life stories that happened while taking clomid.
**This is your warning: There is some language involved…like I said, real life.

First, what is clomid?

Clomid is the medication that I took to help "grow an egg". In reality, clomid is the devil's medicine. This medicine starts out nice and sweet, and slowly turns into your husbands worst nightmare. When I got on this medicine, I made sure to research as much as I could. I'm not kidding when I say there were online articles and journals titled "I hate clomid", "crazy on clomid", "why my husband left me: clomid". Needless to say, I was pumped to start taking it! (insert sarcastic tone) My first month was a breeze. Even with the stress of starting school, I was just fine. October was a different story. I completely decided that God was not on my side. He hated me. He left me. He's punishing me... Dear bless, October was not a good month. In the next months I struggled with my feelings getting hurt. Mostly by Andrew. For no reason. I was also hateful to everyone, and let me just tell you, that gets you nowhere. I also became even more dramatic. That's a lot of drama. 

Remember how I said that October was a horrible month? Here's what happened during that month:

This is my PSA: don't start clipping coupons while taking this medicine.

Here is my experience:
It was a Sunday morning. Andrew and I had gone to the doctor to check on my egg follicle growth. We were told that I had no growth. We were charged almost $400 (and if you remember from the previous post, I was convinced that God despised me, and this day didn't help). We went home. I wept in the bed for hours.

When I decided to get out of the bed, I thought "what could take my mind off of this? I know! Couponing and price matching! Let's go!" I spent 3 hours. Three. Making my list and searching for coupons and price matches for items on my list. Three. I went to Walmart and spent 2 hours searching for said coupon related items (you know, certain brand and size). Two. It was time to check out. My buggy was filled to the brim. I had at least $100 worth of savings resting in my hand in the form of printed coupons. The cashier rings up my items and I tell her the ones to price match. Those were denied because I didn't get the same size as in the add. Dag-nab-it. She finishes ringing me up. It was $300 something. I hand her those glorious coupons just waiting to see the numbers decline and my spirits rise... She says "umm, ma'am. These won't work." Say what now!?!? What did YOU SAY?!?!? Shaujdbekdnie**&&$$$**####shdnfjjtbrk!!!!!!!!!

I forced the woman to take things off of my receipt. I forced the line of 15 people behind me to wait. I vowed to never shop at Walmart again and I absolutely will never coupon again. I ran to the car. I Called Andrew, and that conversation is kind of a blur...I cussed a lot. I screamed a lot. I cried a whole lot.

When I got home, that sweet man of mine was waiting in the garage. He gave me the best hug while I cried about those damn coupons and sent me back to bed. Bless him.

**I have restored my faith in The Lord since this terrible awful day and I have indeed been back to Walmart...still no coupons.**

Remember that time I said that my feelings were getting hurt easily, especially by Andrew? Here is a lovely example of my reaction to him one time. Once again, real life. 

"Me- you know what would make me happier, a puppy! 
A- absolutely not. 
Me- you can't keep me from getting one, so it's going to happen. 
A- (a little louder) no! It's not! 
Me- (sounding like the hulk mixed with a possessed dragon) yes! It! Is!!!!!!! 
A- stop, no it's not! 
Me-(with tears streaming down my face) If you don't let me get a puppy then I AM NOT going to your family Christmas!!!!"

Note: we were leaving our house to go to his family Christmas. 
Second note: I went to our room, started to unpack my bag, and laid on the bed to watch tv and cried my eyes out.

You think I'm kidding…

We did in fact go to family Christmas. We did not get a puppy. We switched to Femara the next month.

Thank you Jesus, that I am D.O.N.E. with that medicine. I write this as another reminder to women wondering if they should start medical treatments for fertility. It's rough. It's worth it to see progress, but it's rough. Femara is much better, but it's much more expensive. 

If Not Now, Then When?

(originally written on 2/18/14)

You know what's hard? Deciding when to tell people about your "situation". You get to a point when everyone you come into contact with asks when you will start a family, and you want to say something, but you don't. I am the type of person that loves to know all the details about everyone I know, therefore I want to tell all the details about me, but this is personal, private and embarrassing. Sometimes I tell people and I walk away from the conversation thinking "why in the world did I just tell them that?" Other times I talk to people and leave feeling refreshed and confident that they will think about us and pray for us. No matter who I talk to, it's admitting a flaw and that's hard to do. It's telling people that you can't do the ONE THING that only a woman can do. My name is Meredith, and I am infertile. I can't make a family. I don't work. It sucks.

There have been so many times that I have read amazing articles about what it feels like to be an infertile woman, and I've prepared to "share" these things via social media for all to see, and I stop. Sometimes I stop because I think I'm being selfish and want people to worry about me. Sometimes I'm embarrassed. Sometimes I just don't want to be that person that puts all of my personal thoughts on social media...

I don't think that I will be able to keep this information in forever and never talk about it. I honestly think The Lord is putting me through this to share and possibly help others some day. When I decide to share, I hope it is in a positive but completely honest way. I want people who are fertile to know what it's like to be completely opposite. I want people who have not yet started to try for a family know that your plans don't always turn out the way you think they're supposed to, but they turn out the RIGHT way for you. I want other infertile women to have something to read that might be similar to how they're feeling or someone to talk to.

If you're ever wondering what I really feel like, read this post. It's perfectly written and I don't feel like I should try and write something different because it's exactly how I feel. Please don't confuse my good mood with happiness or contentment. 90% of the time my smile is just there to get me through the day without a million "are you feeling ok" questions.
- http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility/

"Don't Get Your hopes Up"

This is been the most popular phrase used in the Curtis household since August 2013.

After being married 4 years and Andrew's law school career coming to an end, we finally reached the PERFECT time to start a family. We were textbook: happily married and enjoying lots of time just the 2 of us, we travel whenever and wherever, I am set in my job starting my 5th year of teaching, we have money in the bank, maternity benefits with insurance had made it through the "pre existing" year mark so we are in the clear, Andrew is finishing law school in December and taking the Bar Exam in February of 2014 - as long as i waited to make sure that we weren't having a baby between January and March, we would be good. to. go.

I can hear God saying "tisk, tisk. You don't control your life Meredith." Ouch.

Feel free to skip and go straight to the end. It's about periods, so there's that. (also, it's long)...
I had been on birth control for several years to deal with acne and irregular period (red flag). Since I was on the pill for so long my periods are practically non existent. I never bought any type of feminine product...didn't need to (red flag). I addressed this with my OBGYN at all of my yearly appointments. She assured me it was fine and typical of someone who had been on the pill for so long. So I celebrated, "I'm just fine and I get to live life with out a monthly visit from Aunt Flo...yippee!"

In April of '13 I went for my yearly visit and talked all things making babies. I had read a book called "what to expect BEFORE you're expecting". I am happy that I read it. Others think it's too much...tit for tat. In May, my insurance year had cleared (we had to pay on a maternity plan for a year before we could get pregnant) and I was ready to get off that dern pill. I felt like a new woman! Can I get an amen?!? The doc said that it might take several months to get my regular period back, so that's what I expected...NOPE! Come my time in May- the regular 28 days, there was nothing you could do to stop the crimson tide (like I said, TMI). I was so happy! Period=ovulation. In June, it was a 36 day cycle which is a little long. Yes, I thought I could be pregnant. Took a test on our beach trip and that was a negative so I just waited. I wasn't too bummed because the baby would be due in March and that's a little close to the Bar Exam. I started and I was happy again, Period = ovulation!

Then there is July and August. The worst months ever. July was the official "green light" to start making babies. I was charting this and noting that. We were on a schedule. I don't know how many times I said "I better be pregnant!" Or "maybe it's because I'm pregnant!" 30 days pass...nothing. I have to test in New York while staying with my pregnant friend and dreaming about our babies playing together. We come home, 35 days pass...nothing. I call the doctor and have to talk with a nurse who does NOT work with my OBGYN. This nurse kept telling me "wait until this day and call back". Called back on day 37. "Wait until day 40 and call us back." Called back on day 40. "Call us back in 2 days if you haven't started and we will give you a pill to start your period and restart a cycle." I. Was. Furious. They didn't care and frankly, they didn't seem like they knew what they were talking about! On day 42 or 43 I called and I said "I NEED to talk to Dr. H's nurse. Not Dr. G's!!" They connected me. I told this nurse my situation and she said "this isn't normal, you need to come in." THANK YOU!!! I went on one day (42 or 43) to do blood work to prove that I wasn't pregnant. I went on day 44 to have a vaginal ultrasound and speak with Dr. H. The ultrasound tech didn't say much. That was fun. She looked at both ovaries and my uterus. You know that I was sitting there daydreaming about it being a baby on the screen (I also secretly hoped that she would see a baby and prove the blood work wrong). I left that room and went to a patient room.

Dr. H came in and was pleasant as always. She did some good small talk and then said, "you have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome." Umm...excuse me? Out comes the ultrasound pics and she draws a diagram. "Your ovaries are not producing eggs. You have lots of tiny cyst follicles in both ovaries that will not mature. If a follicle doesn't mature, you don't ovulate." Guess what, you have to ovulate to have a baby. I was crushed. All I kept thinking was that my lifelong dream of becoming a mother was never going to happen. I panic. She proceeded to tell us our options. 1. Start on a medication called clomid that will help to mature these follicles/eggs or 2. wait it out. If you know me, you should know that it did not take me long to say "let's get started on that clomid!" She told me about the process of coming in for more ultrasounds and getting hormone shots for triggering ovulation. I was up for anything.

Since it had been 44 days since my last period, she told me to count my first clomid pill as day 3 of a brand new cycle. I took 50mg of clomid for 4 days, and then we started the "process". More on this process and the effect of clomid in my next post.

Never in my life have I been challenged like this. During the months of May-August 15,683 people told me they were pregnant and "It happened on the first try!" I could slap them in the face...joking (but seriously). Also, I was rushing to these appointments during the first week of school...that was fun. I hate to hear people say "this is God's plan for you". I honestly do not think that my wonderful and loving God wants me to be suffering this way. I DO however think that he will bring me through it. He will help me use this situation to help others and glorify him (maybe through this post), but I'm going to be honest with you...I need prayer. I'm pretty down. I've wanted my own baby since I was old enough to know what a baby is. Soon it will be my turn!

(This post written in Dec. 2013)

Facts about Fertility Treatments

I will preface this by telling you that you are about to enter a zone of TMI. I'm not even embarrassed though, because I think it's interesting. It's  problem that needs fixed. HOWEVER, NO ONE tells newly married women or teenagers or young girls going through puberty about infertility struggles when you're older. It's more common than you think. Andrew and I were very proactive about this. I read up and researched anything and everything I could about the subject and I am certain that is why we were able to get started on treatments faster than a lot of people. Typically, when women "think they are having troubles", doctors have them wait 9 months to a year before moving on to medical help. We only waited 3 months before medical help. I am so thankful for that.

Here are the notes I kept about what happened each month. I wrote these between September 2014 and the beginning of 2014. But first, look at this picture of my ovaries and eggs…enjoy.

(Here you have my left and right ovaries. The small black "circles" on the left are what they consider PCOS. Those egg follicles are polycystic. An egg doesn't reach maturation in one of those. On the right side you see two RIPE follicles. Eggs were growing up in there. This was October 2013.)

- Appointments, 2013
The process of infertility treatments is exhausting. You're upset mentally because you can't get what you want so badly, and on top of that you are constantly scheduling and timing and charting things! Everyone tells me "this will happen when you stop stressing over it." To those people, I want to say SHUT UP! Even when I'm not thinking about it, something will come up (did you know that every commercial or tv show or post on social media has something to do with babies...I'm serious) and it gets me going again. 

When I start my period, that is day 1 of a new cycle. I have to call the doctor to let them know, they call in my prescription. I start taking meds on day 3-7. When I call on day 1, the nurse also schedules my ultrasound appointment for day 11 or 12. If egg follicles are ready (measuring at one dimension at least 22mm) at that appointment, I get an hcg shot and then Andrew and I have to have alone time 24 hours, 36 hours, and 48 hours after that. Anytime after that is "for fun" according to the doctors. Bahahahaha....no.

August (round 1):
- saw OBGYN around day 44 of a cycle. She called in my first round of clomid, 50mg. I started taking it on 8/21 and she said to consider the first pill day 3 of a new cycle (even though I never had a period). I went for an ultrasound with dr. H on 8/28 (day 10). I had one large follicle in the left ovary and 2 smaller ones on the right. None of them were quite big enough for injection. I went back on 8/30 with dr. T (day 12). All three were "ready". I got the injection. We did our duty...while in Oregon...with my family... Period started 9/17 (day 29).

September (round 2):
9/20 I stared clomid. Ultrasound with dr. G on 9/27 (day 10). Dr. G is the doc I don't care for. He and his nurse were the ones who didn't seem to care that I wasn't having a period back in August. At this appointment he told me to not stress (shut up) and drink a bottle of wine and make love to my husband and we would get pregnant. Wrongo-bongo. On 9/27 I had no follicles ready. Reschedule for 9/29 (day 12) with dr. T. **note: this was a weekend appointment. They are MUCH more expensive!** Still no egg follicles ready. This was not my month.  We were told to use ovulation predictor kits this month. Those are difficult if you use the ones with lines. There are always 2 lines on the test, but you are looking for one line to be darker...do you realize how long I stared at a stick that I just peed on to figure this out! I think I maybe had a positive OPK on 10/4 and 10/5. On day 35 of this cycle (10/21) I still hadn't started my period so I had to go in for blood work. That was negative and I ended up starting that night. 

October (round 3):
Started clomid on 10/24. Ultrasound appointment with dr. S on 11/1 (day 12). 1 follicle growing on right side but not ready, left is PCOS. Uterine lining is thin -1mm. 11/4 return for ultrasound (day 15). The one on the right side is ready. Lining still thin. Hcg injection. 11/21 started period (day 31) which was very light because of thin lining. I was very upset this month.
*Dr. S was awesome. She personally took clomid for 7 months, so she knew what I was going through. Also, she didn't charge us for the 2nd ultrasound.*

November (round 4):
Start 100mg of clomid on 11/23. Start estrogen on 11/28 to help with uterine lining. Ultrasound with dr. H on 12/2 (day 12). 2 follicles ready on the right, left is PCOS. Lining was 2mm. Hcg injection from Heather Carter in the Harps bathroom. Started period on 12/20 (day 30).

December (round 5):
Start 100 mg of Femara (to help with uterine lining) on 12/22. Ultrasound with dr. P on 12/30 (day 12). I had one on the right side that was 15x20mm and the left wasn't PCOS, but the follicle was only around 10x10. The right follicle wasn't quite big enough, but dr. P was confident enough that it would be the next day that she set me up with the hcg shot and told me to get it from home. (It was so nice to not have to go back for another ultrasound!) My lining was up to 7mm!! The Femara worked, so I will use that again for the next month! (This was a great month for "small victories"!) Heather Carter gave me the shot on 12/31. Dr. P said "a thick uterine lining can make all the difference, so I hope to see some changes this month! Femara can cause later ovulation, so we were instructed to do our "part" every other day for a week rather than the "wham bam thank you ma'am" method. My cycle lasted over 35 days. No period. No positive test. More devastation.

Now I struggle with deciding weather or not to call the doc to take medicine that will make me start my period, or let it be until March. No matter what I choose, we are NOT taking fertility meds this month (February).

 - So far, 2014 sucks (1/25-2/13)

January (continued round 5)
According to my other cycles I was supposed to start a period on Jan. 20th. I didn't. I tested. It was negative. Tested on day 36. Negative (I tried going to a baby shower on this day...just no.) Called parkhill and they wanted me to start Provera, a medicine to start my period. I wasn't ready thinking I maybe just ovulated a little later (a symptom of Femara). I just waned to wait and see. {insert "don't get your hopes up"} On Feb. 3rd, day 46, I decided to test again. Negative. I'd had enough. After every negative test I still kept thinking "miracles happen". Not for me they don't...

I called Parkhill and they ordered the Provera for me. I asked to come give a blood sample because I wanted to be 100% positive that I wasn't having a miracle baby {see, hopes up}. I gave my sample around 2:00 Monday afternoon and waited to get results until Tuesday morning. I waited, I expected a miracle. Of course, parkhill never called me (that's a whole other issue). I called them around 10:00 on Tuesday to hear that I was indeed NOT pregnant. I quickly said "thank you" and got off the phone. I went to pick up my meds and am patiently awaiting my monthly gift. I have to take this medicine every day for 10 days and I'm really hoping that I start. I'm ready to move on.

I tried to promise Andrew that I wouldn't worry about the baby process during his last month of studying, but I feel like starting a period will help keep me from stressing. We will not do any Femara this month and I will not chart my ovulation. From now until after the bar, we won't talk about medicine or baby making.

*notes about this month: All the BS about being "stress free" will help you get pregnant is W. R. O. N. G. We just had a completely stress free month because I didn't have to go to school (lots of snow days). Every person that posted about fall 2014 babies because of all the snow days might get punched by me. If you are one of the women that is now pregnant because of all the snow days...just go ahead and de-friend me from all social media. I'll be happier for you if I just don't know about it.

** I started my period on day 8 of provera, making this cycle 53 days.**